On declining education standards, there is an obvious solution: the Wizard of Oz approach. When the Scarecrow asked for a brain, the Wizard of Oz replied: "You don't need a brain. What you need is a diploma!" A few years back the government adopted this same approach by unilaterally declaring our little junior colleges to be universities. Overnight a vocational certificate from Hong Kong Polytechnic became a university degree, and Hong Kong quintupled its university-educated population with the stroke of a pen. I will continue this policy and declare all schools in the territory to be universities. My daughter's alma mater, Leafy Kindergarten Play School, will henceforth be known as Leafy University. Overnight, Hong Kong will be transformed into the most highly educated population on earth. Think what that will do to enhance our growing knowledge-based economy.

I also make this pledge: I will immediately cancel all grandiose vanity projects like the Macau Bridge, the Hei Ling Chau Super Prison, the Kowloon Cultural Centre and that stupid hotel in Wanchai, all of which were obviously dreamed up by fat men with tiny penises. I don't have that problem, which is probably why none of these projects makes the slightest bit of sense to me. Anyone who even suggests such a project will immediately be enrolled in the very next penis extension program that arrives in my e-mail inbox. That includes women! A society run by people who feel good about their bodies is a more humane and rational society.